"We can confirm that Rush Limbaugh has officially requested asylum with the United States," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said today. "We are taking that request seriously."
Exactly where Limbaugh would be defecting from is still unclear: The radio host, who has several times defended his incendiary rhetoric as "just comedy," has been broadcasting from secret locations for decades. CIA sources say they believe that for the last several years he has been somewhere in Syria. The recent heavy fighting there, along with a spate of similar defections by Syrian officials, appear to support that belief.
"Rush Limbaugh has inspired hatred of America and everything America stands for in virtually every sector of the world for a very long time now," said General Tom Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "If he switches sides, well, it's really bad for the bad guys, and it's really good for us. Wish he would have done it a long time ago."
Asked whether the U.S. military had ever considered taking Limbaugh out with its drone program, the general answered, "Oh, hell yes."