"A murder rate this low is un-American," the first-term Republican governor known for his folksy, no-nonsense way of speaking said to a large, rather suspicious-looking crowd in downtown Harrisburg this afternoon. "And we're not about to sit back and let it erode at the very fabric of our society. That's why I've ordered our police forces to start arbitrarily shooting people in the neck, face, and generally around the head, until further notice."
"Don't let what some people say fool you," the governor continued. "They say, 'This isn't a problem, a low murder rate is a good thing'. But we know better. We know better because we've told you it's a problem, again and again and again and again. And Americans like that. And if we have to kill every last person in the state to solve this problem, then we'll do it."
That brought a loud boo from the crowd. They were all shot and killed seconds later.
"We hope especially through this program to see murder rates rise in poorer areas of our state, and on college campuses," Governor Corbett concluded. "That's the way it's supposed to be."
An aide to the governor told reporters the program would be in place at least until at least early November.