TSA To Start Randomly Tasing People

WASHINGTON - U.S. Transportation Security Administration agents will begin randomly tasing people in airport security lines, the agency announced today. The new policy will begin in August.

"Every couple hours, or every couple days," explained TSA chief John Pistole, "an agent will pull out a taser and shoot the first passenger he sees in the neck, or other available area of exposed flesh. The person will then be restrained, taken away, and thoroughly checked out. If everything is in order, that person will be allowed to continued traveling."

According to the TSA website, the tasings will be completely safe—and hygienic—and will be applied at airports across the country.

Asked if there would be any age restrictions on who could be tased, Pistole said, "If a terrorist comes through holding a baby, are we going to ask the terrorist to put the baby down first?"

Pistole said parents should start telling their children that "getting tased is part of the fun of travel," to get them used to the procedure. "Just like they did with taking off their shoes and getting their privates fondled by strangers."  

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