Higgs Boson Kills Ernest Borgnine, Chumbawamba; Funny-Name Link Suspected

New York City - It's still only days since scientists announced they had likely proven the existence of the elusive Higgs boson, but the particle has already shown it has a temper—and that it doesn't like things with funny names.

"Ernest Borgnine, the poor guy," said Stanford University physicist Peter Pieterschwanzel.

The iconic actor died yesterday at the age of 95.

"He probably didn't know anything about the Higgs—but it knew him—and you've got to admit he has a really funny name: Borgnine Borgnine Borgnine. And now Chumbawamba!"

Chumbawamba, the band known almost exclusively for the "I get knocked down, but I get up again"-song, announced just hours ago it has officially broken up.

Pieterschwanzel thinks the Higgs boson is responsible.

"Whoever decided to call the Higgs boson the 'Higgs boson' really screwed up," he said. "It's just such a silly name. Who wouldn't be angry about that? And then we find it, and in a matter of days we lose Ernest Borgnine and Chumbawumba? There has got to be a connection there."

Pieterschwanzel predicted that in the coming weeks, as the Higgs boson "gets its stride," we'd be seeing people and things with funny names dying off in droves.

"Hey, if I were Englebert Humperdinck's wife, I'd be buying life insurance by the convoy right about now. And Shia LeBeouf—oh my God, that poor schmuck's a goner."

Asked if he had any fear for his own safety, Pieterschwanzel replied, "What do you mean?"