FDA To Require Graphic Warning Labels On Republicans

WASHINGTON - Dr. Martha Hamburg, the head of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, announced today that the agency will begin requiring graphic warning labels on Republicans.

"With these warnings, every person who even considers voting for a Republican is going to know exactly what risk they're taking," Hamburg told reporters. She called voting for Republicans the "number one cause of preventable death" in America, claiming more than 500,000 lives a year.

Republican candidates for public office—from small city council seats all the way to Congress and even the White House—will now be required to carry one vivid color image and one of these warnings about the consequences of voting for them: "Republicans cause cancer"; "Republicans can harm your children"; "Republicans hate you"; "Republicans want to crush you like locusts and suck your blood"; "Voting Republican during pregnancy can harm your baby"; "Republicans are out of their f*cking minds"; "Voting Republican causes disease in people who don't vote Republican"; "Jesus hates Republicans"; and "Quitting Republicans now greatly reduces serious risks to your health."

The warnings, which must be in place by September 2012, will cover the upper portion of both front and back of a Republican. At least 50% of the Republican will have to be covered.