Friday, June 29, 2012
Health Care Ruling Causes Millions of Republicans to Become Gay
"I was totally not gay until this morning," said Bo Hickham, 52, a farmer and registered Republican in Wilsonville, South Carolina. "I'm married, to my wife, and we have sex just like regular people do—we've got nine kids—but now, I honestly cannot stop thinking about men's doowhickeys! I went down on my stable guy Billy not twenty minutes ago. And I mean I liked it. A lot. And he's my cousin."
Dozens of other self-professed "anti-gay" Americans told similar tales today—and they all blamed today's Supreme Court decision.
Mary Schuster, 29, who, like her husband of ten years is an active member of the Bowden, Illinois, Tea Party, said she had "relations, several times" with a female neighbor this afternoon—something she said had never even crossed her mind before —and that she believes the unexpected sexual liaison was a direct result of today's ruling.
"We said it over, and over, and over again," Schuster said. "ObamaCare is not just wrong, it's not just un-American—it's evil. It has an evil imprint in it. And today the Supreme Court imprinted that evil even deeper into all of us. Even into my neighbor's vagina."
Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, who refused to answer reporter's questions as to whether he has experienced any unusual sexual symptoms since the ruling, made only the cryptic remark, "Tied to the roof, doggie style," before being driven away by bodyguards.